Saturday, April 30, 2011

Honesty in Naming

If things were named honestly, that would be an improvement, yes? Take the West Side Highway, New York City’s major north-south roadway that lurches alongside the Hudson River. That should be renamed “Expect Delays.”

“Yeah, hi honey, I’m coming home, currently on Expect Delays, but I might be a little late because I, uh, am expecting a delay.”

Or perhaps my Jeep Wrangler should be renamed ‘Lucky to Make it to 100,000 Miles.’ My car is currently at about 80,000 miles and I can foresee trouble ahead.

Politicians could go by a number of names, but I want to keep this column suitable for family viewing, so most of them I’ll have to keep to myself. One appropriate one would be ‘At the Beck and Call of Lobbyists.’

“Hey Joe, did you hear what old Beck and Call did today? He passed that bill that everyone was up in arms about, y’know, the one that turns Medicaid into a voucher system and takes money away from grandma.”

What about renaming sports more honestly? Women’s beach volleyball would be named ‘It’s Really About the Skin’. Golf would be called ‘Is This Really a Sport?’ NASCAR would be named ‘BURP – Oh, Excuse Me.’

Squash would be named ‘Best Individual Sport Bar None.’

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