Oh Squash God, Hear My Plea ...

Oh squash god! Hear my plea!

Fix forthwith my bum right knee.

With much sacrosanct piety,

And corporeal anxiety.

My knee, o lord, and thanks from me.

Knee cartilage wears down with the years,

My stomach grows larger with the beers,

Yet I still must beat my squashist peers,

But my balky knee adds to my fears.

Please squash god!

I swear I’ll return once more to church,

No more leaving god in the lurch,

Hell, I’ll feed Him some rainbow perch,

I’ll even fund sacerdotal research!

But please, seriously squash god….

I don’t mean to bug, protest or prod,

But I need that speed, not be a clod.

Hammies are good, plus left and right quad,

It’s just the right knee that needs fixing god.

Please?

No It's Not, It's DEAD!

Because of the woeful inadequacies of the Google search engine, which are multiple yet obscure, I have noticed that I am receiving a lot of clicks on a blog I wrote last January about SquashZAG being up and running. I called it "It's Alive!" 

Unfortunately, soon after I posted that blog the site's owners apparently gave up on the site and it has lain fallow ever since. So no, it's not alive, and this time it is most assuredly dead. Stick a fork in it, it's done. It's time to de-bookmark it.

There, Google, stick that in your search engine!

In Your Face!

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: wear protective eyewear. If it can happen to these guys, it can happen to you....  This video is from PSA Squash TV's newly available archive.

Primum Non Nocere

One of the principal guiding rules of the medical profession is summarized in the Latin phrase above, which means "First, do no harm."

Hanging on the walls or glass doors of most squash clubs all over the world is the phrase, "Non-Marking Soles Only," a warning that not all sneakers are fit to play on a squash court. Every now and then some knucklehead will go onto a court, oblivious, and try out the game, leaving behind a bunch of burnt rubber streak marks that take time and money to remove.

Would it be excessive if I were to say these people should be shot? Maybe trampled upon by a thousand well-trod squashists fed up with such behavior? Perhaps just slapped around a bit?

As I panted outside a squash court recently following a match, I looked up and there was the sign. But in my delirium I thought it said "Non-Marking Souls Only."

That would be nice.... Non-marking souls non nocere.

Best Club in NYC? Quite Possibly.... Check out CityView

I just joined the Cityview Racquet Club, a relatively new club which boasts 7 Har-Tru clay tennis courts, 3 singles squash courts, and 1 doubles squash court. Not too long ago the venerable Printing House squash courts were torn to smithereens by uninformed jackanapes who double as executives at a fitness club chain. Long may they burn in hell.....

But I digress.

A goodly chunk of the Printing House players eventually gravitated over to the CityView club. As for me, I was looking for a club. I met one of the immigrants, who told me about it. I grew curious. I signed up. 

There is lots that is great about CityView. They have an active tennis program, which helps fund their nascent squash program. (There is a locker with an "A Roddick" nameplate, you dig?) The pro also happens to be John Musto, not only a great player but, more important, a very good pro. (There are a lot of clubs out there that have great players as their pros but many fewer clubs with great pros who are good  players.) The touring pro, by the way, is the stylish Egyptian Wael el-Hindi, currently ranked #13 in the world.

The club is artfully designed, really a beautiful club. It is also one of those clubs that knows how to have fun, with kids whose squash rackets are half their size running around excitedly swinging away, even before they get on court. I've been to plenty of clubs where the stiff-upper-lip attitude would never countenance a gang of young ruffians wreaking havoc. And that is much to their discredit.

The club also has an absolutely gorgeous lounge with a mesmerizing freestanding fireplace and great bar. You can hang out there and have a great time when the squash is over. And, during the summer, you can head on out to the huge balcony where, you guessed it, there is a great view of the City.

That's right, the view is so great of Manhattan because this terrific club is not in Manhattan, which is why it remains a bit undiscovered. It is actually only a few stops on the #7 subway line into Queens. I timed it; it's less than 10 minutes to travel from Grand Central Station to the CityView stop.

I just played a 4.5 squash tournament there and did well, considering my balky knees had to play 3 full and difficult matches in one day. The toughest match was the first, in which my opponent and I played one another to near exhaustion, but after about 70 minutes I finally won the match in 5. I was extremely lucky; my opponent had already played his first match so his energy finally ran out in the fifth. My next match was just an hour away and I felt thoroughly depleted, so went down ignominiously 0-3. My opponent later noted that I was tied with him in each game to about 6-all, when suddenly I started going for the cheap shot, which of course didn't work. I then had a 3-hour wait till my next match, which allowed me to rest up, and I won that contest by 3-0. Not bad, I thought, as I limped homeward.

Check out this club if you are in the New York area; it's damn good.

Another Home Run for US Squash

One of the interesting things about the game of golf is the fact that the scores are inputted following the round of play and one's handicap is calibrated accordingly. It means that a player knows exactly where he stands in relation to the rest of the golfosphere. That level of accuracy has always been missing in squash, until now. 

US Squash -- or USQ, as they like to be called -- has just instituted what I view as a game-changer in the world of squash, which drags our great sport into the modern era, kicking and screaming, so that we can also know in real time exactly where we stand. 

As part of USQ's Play Squash initiative, everyday club matches can be inputted into the association's website computer, thus influencing one's rating and ranking. If I play the same group of 3 or 4 guys 90% of the time, which I do, why not use those games to create a more accurate accounting of my level of play? Now I can do that.

If you were to look up my rating you would see only a handful of games, all played in 2009 during a time when I had an ongoing ankle problem (that eventually required surgery). My ranking went down and down through 2009, and that is where it has stayed, remaining idle because I have not played any sanctioned tournaments since then. But I've recovered since 2009 and played a lot of matches with friends, so my ossified rating now reflects the problems I had 2 years ago, not the present-day me. 

With the Play Squash initiative, that will change. I will start inputting all of the matches I have with players who are USQ members -- it doesn't work for non-members. And as I've opined before, if you are not a member of USQ then you are not supporting the sport and helping it advance -- with programs like this.  

Both players have to agree beforehand that this match will count -- and I bet the intensity level will ratchet up a notch or more because of that. The only other requirements are that the match must be best 3 of 5 and the approved Dunlop ball must be used.

So next time you are out on the court, ask your partner to play this match for real. No kidding around. Results go straight to your ratings, and from there on up to your ego. 

Jag Resa Slutligen till Sverige - Inte!

Jag har noterat den här bloggen att min mor var född i Sverige och att jag är en elev i svenska. Mycket tyvärr dog min lärare i svenska, men jag fortfarande läser svenska, kallas oftast på en webbplats "8 Sidor" - www.8sidor.se.

I ett desperat försök att besöka Sverige, försökte jag att vara en av ett några personer som valts att vara i en "reality TV show", kallas den Stora Svenska Adventure. Jag förstår att 1300 personer sökt, och jag överlevde till den sista 100.  Men jag tror att det bara fanns 12 människor i slutet. Serien börjar filma i juni. 

Jag tror att det finns mycket att beundra om Sverige. Jag kommer att resa dit de närmaste åren säkert, och även jag hoppas kunna spela lite socialistisk squash.

The American Tennis and Paddle Tennis Association

England's National Racketball Championships will be held May 6 - 8 at the Edgbaston Priory Club!

Or so England's squash association tells us. That's because in England the squash association is called England Squash & Racketball. And therein lies the rub.

If I remember correctly, England's squash association decided only a few years ago to welcome lovers of racketball into their warm, suffocating embrace. I didn't understand why they did that then, and the rationale for it still eludes me. 

Racketball is a different game. It uses different rackets than squash and a different ball. It is played, in England at least, on the same court as squash, but that is its only similarity. True, squash players can readily pick up the game of racketball, and indeed the current top-rated men's racketballer in England is squash's own Daryl Selby. But this is akin to a top tennis player picking up a paddle tennis racket and having a go at it. Those are different games. No one has proposed incorporating the American Tennis and Paddle Tennis Association.

I think this is a question of a sporting association forgetting that, for the purposes of effective governance and good marketing, it needs to consistently tell a story to the public. What is squash's story? Why would England Squash want to bifurcate its message by throwing in another sport that is kinda like squash but not really?

I suspect there is money at the root of this issue, although I don't know what it is. I do strongly believe that it is not good for squash to have a national sporting association also promoting another sport. I think it's a really bad idea. 

Honesty in Naming

If things were named honestly, that would be an improvement, yes? Take the West Side Highway, New York City’s major north-south roadway that lurches alongside the Hudson River. That should be renamed “Expect Delays.”

“Yeah, hi honey, I’m coming home, currently on Expect Delays, but I might be a little late because I, uh, am expecting a delay.”

Or perhaps my Jeep Wrangler should be renamed ‘Lucky to Make it to 100,000 Miles.’ My car is currently at about 80,000 miles and I can foresee trouble ahead.

Politicians could go by a number of names, but I want to keep this column suitable for family viewing, so most of them I’ll have to keep to myself. One appropriate one would be ‘At the Beck and Call of Lobbyists.’

“Hey Joe, did you hear what old Beck and Call did today? He passed that bill that everyone was up in arms about, y’know, the one that turns Medicaid into a voucher system and takes money away from grandma.”

What about renaming sports more honestly? Women’s beach volleyball would be named ‘It’s Really About the Skin’. Golf would be called ‘Is This Really a Sport?’ NASCAR would be named ‘BURP – Oh, Excuse Me.’

Squash would be named ‘Best Individual Sport Bar None.’

Play and Pay

The world is an unfair place, and one place where the disparity between fairness and reality is painfully evident is in the paychecks of top athletes. 

"ESPN The Magazine" recently published a list of the best-paid athletes in a group of 30 sports, one of which is squash. Some of the findings you may know already. For instance, New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez gets $32 million. NBA star Kobe Bryant gets $24.8 million. Nick Matthew of squash fame made $166,926 in prize winnings in 2010. That doesn't include endorsements, which will up his income significantly, but it also doesn't include endorsements for Messrs. Rodriquez and Bryant, either. Matthew deserves significantly more, without a doubt.

Other entries are more surprising. The men's billiards champ made $118,494; the head bowler made $152,670; the top bull rider made a healthy $1,594,527, which will help pay for his extensive orthopedic bills; the top fisherman reeled in $915,500; the winningest poker player made $9,443,519; Lindsey Vonn skied her way to $509,542; and Rafael Nadal, everyone's favorite tennis-player-who-would-also-make-a-fantastic-squash-player, made $10,171,998 in prize money.

And then there's Joey Chestnut, at left, the top professional at Major League Eating, who gorged himself to $218,500, all earned one hot dog at a time. And then promptly regurgitated the whole disgusting mess out of view of the stage. Is eating really a sport?! Really?   

 

Schumacher Toots Own Horn

My nemesis Schumacher recently stopped thrashing me in squash long enough to toot his own horn.

Hard to see, I realize, but there he is, brandishing an inflatable saxophone while frantically dancing about a room. 

 
And why was this happening? Because Nemesis Schumacher was celebrating his son Jonah's bar mitzvah, a big occasion for a kid, and also for a kid's dad, who has to pay for an event that's as much of a production as a wedding. Jonah displayed the insouciance of a Schumacher by not flubbing any of his lines, which is saying a lot because it's easy to get nervous in front of a hundred-plus people staring at you. Jonah is a great kid, and he's got a little brother and sister who emulate him.

 
If anybody needs assistance from the best podiatrist in New York City, Dr. Schumacher is available. And willing. Trust me. He's helped me, he can help you. 

No, not Jonah, he's not a doctor yet. I'm talking the big Schumacher.

Excuse Me, But Does This Sport Make My Ass Look Big?

How many times have you introduced an athletic friend to squash and had them running enthusiastically all over the court, only to have them call you later that day or the next and say, “Man, my ass hurts!” Or maybe you yourself have been away from the game, either from injury, overwork or temporary disinterest, only to return and be reminded of the singular importance of the butt in the game of squash.

‘Squash butt’ is a real pain in the ass for those afflicted, but the discomfort will fade away. The only real cure is to go out there and play more and build up those butt muscles.

So what are the muscles in the butt? Mostly, they are the gluteus muscles, of which there are three: minimus (provides hip stability and raising and rotating the leg), medius (allows for raising the leg upwards or to the side, as well as hip abduction), and maximus (the largest, outermost of the muscles, which allows leg rotation and raising the thigh upwards and to the side).  In squash, when you explosively accelerate, quickly decelerate, or kick your leg off to the side to cut off a passing shot you are employing your ‘glutes.’ Do that a thousand times in a match and voila, squash butt. Or not, depending upon how fit your glutes are.

My feeling is that regular squash players don’t need to exercise their glutes specifically because if they are playing regularly, that is exercise enough. You will by definition have well-exercised glutes. If you don’t play regularly, or are trying to get back into squash shape following injury, the best gluteus exercise I know is squats. And lots of ‘em. You can try double and single-leg squats or plyometric squats where you jump from a squat position, among several variations. But squat you must. 

Some people may wonder if all that glute action will give them a big butt. The answer is no. You will not have a flabby butt. You will not have a gelatinous butt. You will have a butt that is defined, shapely and muscular. No buts about it….

I Successfully Shoot Like Ashour!

Today I played my nemesis Schumacher again, and had him huffing and grunting all over the court. He won, but he didn't dominate me out there. 

I even had a wonderful Pyrrhic victory. I was at about the mid-court line when Schumacher lobbed a nice arcing shot heading for the backhand corner. I didn't like the look of that lob; I could tell it was going to drop straight down right in the corner. So I reached high with my racket, pretty much turned directly into the side wall, and tried to hit a little dunk shot to the right front corner. It required considerable concentration and balance, as demonstrated by this dog here....

This is a delicate shot, which I tried to do just to surprise the bastard a bit. But Schumacher watches well and he didn't hesitate for a second, moving right up to the right front corner to get his response.

But like Ramy Ashour, who does this shot all the time, my shot fell off the front wall and gently hit the sidewall nick, rolling purely off the wall without even a hint of bounce.

Schumacher let out a yell. I, like this dog here, let out more of a howl.

British Squash Sucking Wind?

First it was the news that the British Open would not be held in 2011. That struck me as unfortunate.

Then it was the meager financial backing for the currently contested ISS Canary Wharf Squash Classic, the total purse for which is an unimpressive $50,000. The posters for the tournament feature Amr Shabana stroking a backhand, but he didn't bother showing up for the tournament, nor did any other Egyptian, with the exception of Karim Abdel Gawad, at left, PSA #44, who crashed out in the qualifying finals. The tournament is very much a European affair, despite its promotion as a 'classic.' 

It's just too bad, that's all. Funding for British squash seems to be drying up. 

What it Takes...

One of the better videos I've seen about the dedication behind our sport. Check this out: